How to Navigate Through Difficult Conversations

A common predicament I hear about from my clients is how to have difficult conversations. How do you politely disagree or share your opinions or state your needs in these most important relationships in your life? These relationships may be with spouses, significant others, family members or even business colleagues.

We all need a little help and support in order to be able to have these conversations. Sometimes they are about negotiating around the details of a family vacation or where to place the new couch, or when to start a family or dealing with conflicts. Whatever the conversation, it never seems simple and having your needs met and having to discuss it openly can feel challenging.

While these tips may not absolutely guarantee challenge free negotiations, they will help smooth the way as you navigate through difficult issues in your life. For each of the tips, think of a time when this happened to you and think of the affect it had on you in that moment. Think about how fabulous life can be if your needs are met.

1) Communicate cleanly with clear thoughts. Think about what you want to say and what message and meaning you want to convey before communicating. Be honest and as brief as possible. You may want to work with a coach or other objective professional to formulate the message you wish to convey.

2) Make it a No-Blame game. Do Not place blame on anyone in particular. Think about how you have reacted when standing opposite an angry, raging, blame-placing colleague, friend or significant other. Do you hear what they are saying when they are blaming you or do you disappear inside and think of anything else, rather than what that person is saying? Make it a blameless conversation and you will see how powerful you can be in having your needs heard and met.

3) Own your part too. Chances are you had something to do with the situation, so owning your role can make a huge impact in negotiations. The other person will step forward once they realize they are not alone in the conversation.

4) Speak from and about heartfelt desires and not anger. Remain calm at all times. You may still be angry and a calmly spoken message is easier to hear and a heartfelt desire is even easier to hear; especially when you are speaking with a loved one.

5) Be pleasable – supply solutions that would work (i.e., gifts that you would like, ideas that might work). We sometimes have an aversion to telling people what we want and that can be what is in the way. If we can explain what might make us happy then the other person sees a real win for themselves in playing along. They no longer have to search in the dark and hope they will supply that thing that will work. They will know exactly what to do to make us happy.

6) Be willing to work things through together – as a team. Teamwork can be quite powerful and effective in getting things done and having everyone feel good about projects and situations. Think about a time when you were left out of a project and you wanted to participate. Think about how valuable teamwork can be in having your needs met.

7) Listen non-critically to what the other person needs to say. Criticism, even unspoken, can have a detrimental impact on any situation and conversation. If someone senses they are being criticized, they will stop trying to help. What you say and think does matter.

Create win-win solutions. Why not be proactive and help everyone to win. Imagine how fabulous life can be when everyone is happy. For example, the gift giver feels joy at giving something the other person truly enjoys receiving.

9) Put yourself in the other person’s shoes – take a walk in their shoes while they explain what they need or how they see things. Knowing where the other person is coming from with their perspective can be quite powerful in how you behave towards them. This would be a form of compassion; to just see it from their perspective.

10) Keep the past in the past – don’t remind them of all of the things they did wrong in the past – stay in the present with the current situation. This is similar to having a blameless conversation. Staying in the present allows new possibilities to arise, whereas constantly speaking of the past and critically from the past can close down new solutions and possibly damage relationships.

© 2004, 2006 Cheryl Young, Creative Blueprints, LLC. and Momorphosis. All rights reserved.